Review of A Nightmare On Elm Street, Halloween and Friday the 13th franchises

When people talk about slasher movies, unless, they are complete idiots there are only three titles that should be the first thing to pop up in your mind. If you think these titles are I Know What You Did Whenever, Scream or Wrong Turn movies, you probably are either a moron or 14 years old. The titles you should be thinking of are, of course, Friday the 13th, Halloween and A Nightmare On Elm Street. Not necessarily the best movies ever, far from it, but that is not the reason why they are what they are. They are the history of modern horror.

Since this is my 100th post here, I figured why not do something special. So what I’m going to do here is three lists of the movies in their respective franchises (excluding the remakes) in order of my least favourite to most favourite with some comments on why they take the place they do, the franchises are in the same order. I could have skipped the clumsy explanations of how the lists work and just let you figure it out by yourselves in a couple of seconds, but that’s not how I roll. So let’s do this.

 

Halloween

8. Halloween: Resurrection (2002) – This abomination of the movie is not only the worst Halloween movie, but also the worst movie of all three franchises and the only one that I would count as one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and not in a good way. It’s so bad, it’s bad.

7. Halloween II (1981) – I just really didn’t care for this one. After original Halloween this seemed incredibly bland and contradictory to the way I perceived Michael Myers in the first one. Don’t get me wrong, just because it is next to Resurrection, it doesn’t mean they are even comparable, this movie is so much better, but I can remember only two scenes from it and that’s what this movie is to me – forgettable.

6. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) – this movie is interesting in a way, but more in how they tried to twist and bend the Halloween mythos and less in an ‘interesting to watch’ way. It has its bright moments, but overall it’s a pretty dull movie.

5. Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) – That’s right. I debated whether even include this on the list. If I hated the movie, I probably wouldn’t have, but I found it a very enjoyable movie. Not really a Halloween movie, but still. It is silly and campy and whatever else, but it is also very atmospheric. Despite its absurdity it is a fun watch, more fun than most of the Halloween movies. But fun doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good horror or Halloween movie.

4. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998) – It is a very solid movie, actually better than it had any right to be, however, I must say that 20 years later, it is feeling a bit stale. You can feel the weight of the series pulling it down, no matter how they tried to ignore the parts without Jamie Lee Curtis. This movie is just them saying: „Hey, we got Curtis back and avoided anything really stupid or interesting, hope you’re nostalgia kicks in.”

3. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) – They tried to start fresh after the failure of Season of the Witch and we get some interesting stuff. A crippled and crazy Loomis, the amazingly cute Jamie Lloyd and an intriguing ending. It’s not a great movie, but it’s a decent watch.

2. Halloween 5 (1989) – I almost put this as number one. It’s hard to explain, but I found it very enjoyable. Loomis is utterly insane, Jamie is just as cute, but doesn’t speak and then there’s  the absurd character Tina, who I enjoyed even though she was so over-the-top. These are the only three characters I’ve ever cared about in a Halloween movie. The movie has a bunch of flaws, but it is entertaining. When most Halloween movies take themselves too seriously, making it seem like they don’t know what type of movie they are, this one hits the right balance.

1. Halloween (1978) – So here we are. This movie is considered a horror classic by most. And even though it isn’t in my favourite movie list, it’s influence on the horror genre is immense. What makes this one different from the rest of the Halloween movies? It’s actually a good movie. This is the only one, which deserves to take itself completely seriously and benefits from it. I don’t know what can I say, that hasn’t been said. It’s a good movie.

 

Friday the 13th

10. Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) – This movie tried to execute an idea, that was destined to fail from the start and even the attempt wasn’t very good. Add some idiotic comedy, absurd characters and you get this thing. That’s just it, it’s a failure, a misstep on the filmmaker’s part.

9. Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) – Again, almost the same case as Halloween II, the second part is just bland. I remember the guy in the wheelchair and Jason wearing a potato bag on his head. That’s basically it. And when I say I don’t remember a lot from it, remember that I have watched all these movies within the last year, so if it can stay in my memory for that long, then it’s not worth remembering.

8. Jason X (2001) – Jason in space. I don’t think I even have to say more, it’s just so ridiculous. The movie certainly has it’s moments, but overall it’s just too cheesy and just too hard to swallow. How could anyone think it’s a great idea? And Jason being located in outer space isn’t even the most absurd thing about it.

7. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) – This an odd movie. Again, it seems they didn’t learn anything after the fifth part. At this point people see these movie for Jason. I didn’t hate the movie itself, it’s just not a good Friday the 13th sequel. It has some really enjoyable performances, but other than that the whole concept is a downer.

6. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) – I enjoyed the part where Jason is in Manhattan, that is great, but the whole boat trip is kind of lame. And the ending sucked as well, if I had to talk about things I didn’t care to see in Friday the 13th movies, zombie Jason turning into a kid is definitely somewhere on that list.

5. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) – Jason vs. Carrie. I don’t know, I found this one pretty mediocre. I also felt let down after the sixth part, which I enjoyed quite a bit. It’s not bad, but it is also neither here or there.

4. Friday the 13th Part III (1982) – This is probably the outright campiest Friday the 13th movie. I mean watching it not in 3D, it is kind of absurd when you get a yo-yo, pot joint and popcorn stuck or thrown in the camera for no reason. But it is kind of fun when you see a head crushed so that an eye can jump out towards the camera. And the first time Jason looks like we know him. Stupid fun this movie is.

3. Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (1986) – This is what I’m talking about, Friday the 13th franchise at its best. Entertaining, well-paced, silly and Jason kicking ass after being resurrected.

2. Friday the 13th (1980) – This is where the endless copying of Halloween started. But this was interesting in its own right, the POV shots, the killer’s motivation, the killer itself, Kevin Bacon getting arrow-stabbed in the neck. Great stuff.

1. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) – I debated whether to put this as number one or two, but then I remembered Crispin Glover dancing and decided this must be number one for me. This one has it all. Comedy, gore, thrills, nudity, Glover, Jason-hunter, horror obsessed kid, “Ted, where the hell’s the corkscrew?” scene. Just great.

 

A Nightmare On Elm Street

7. A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989) – Why this is the last one? Because the few things I do remember about this is either really stupid special effects or something that is probably from Dream Master. It’s forgettable and stupid, not awful, just something you start forgetting while you’re watching it.

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988) – Also a very forgettable one. There’s some weird choices. Like Tuesday Knight replacing Patricia Arquette. And weird scenes, like that chick turning into a bug. It’s just a big whatever of a movie, which decides to bring back the characters from Dream Warriors and just throw them into the garbage bin.

5. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985) – What can I say. Yeah, the homoeroticism was kind of odd, but, hey, what’s wrong with that? At least Freddy hadn’t turned into a caricature yet. This is psychological movie and it’s pretty good at that. But on the other hand the stuff with the S&M gym teacher is kind of jarring. Some wrong choices were made by some knowingly by others unintentionally, but the result is a weird sequel to A Nightmare On Elm Street, unique in its own way. Even if it’s not the best way.

4. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991) – By this point I had accepted that Freddy is just this cartoon character and this movie completely embraces it, it doesn’t even attempt at being a serious movie. I mean, there’s a scene where Freddy plays a NES game using Power Glove. You can’t get more ridiculous than that. But at least the movie wasn’t bland. It’s more of a dark comedy than horror movie and if you take it that way, it’s not so bad.

3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) – This is where the asshole comedian Freddy began, yet wasn’t as over-the-top as he later became. Great special effects, interesting characters, Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon. It’s very entertaining and cool. A favourite of a lot of people and for understandable reasons.

2. New Nightmare (1994) – Wes Craven came back and set it right. Freddy is creepy again, Langenkamp is back and there’s some meta stuff. Rarely the sixth sequel is a good movie, but this one is. It’s self-referential, yet restrained enough to not feel too gimmicky. A cool movie.

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) – Well, this one is no doubt a classic. Original, creepy, tense, sexual. It has so many memorable scenes. Robert Englund really brings something to the Freddy Krueger character, it’s a horror masterpiece. I love this movie. From all these 25 movies I’ve listed here, this is without a doubt my favourite one. Classic.

So here you go, my countdown of the big three of horror franchises. An arbitrary list since I’ve reviewed most of these movies anyway, but I wanted to do make clear my personal preferences. If you want to, let me know your list.

Review of Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)

Freddy Vs. Jason (2003) is a slasher/horror/thriller film, which is the crossover of the A Nightmare On Elm Street and Friday the 13th film franchises.

Directed by Ronny Yu (The 51st State (2001), Fearless (2006)).

Written by Damian Shannon and Mark Swift (Friday the 13th (2009)).

Starring: Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Monica Keena, Jason Ritter, Kelly Rowland, Chris Marquette and others.

Ah, yes. This is a special review for me since it concludes both the Friday the 13th and A Nightmare On Elm Street film reviews. That is, of course, until they decide to make a sequel to any of the remakes.

Jason Goes To Hell left us with a promise of Freddy Krueger going against Jason Voorhees and then ten years passed until we actually got it. I’m kind of surprised it happened at all, because the only other modern big franchise crossover I can think of is AVP: Alien vs. Predator a year later and I don’t really have much good to say about that.

Then we get some insight into Jason’s psychology as Freddy has a plan to get Jason out of hell (which isn’t all that hard) and make him do his dirty work so people would start fearing him again. So he disguises himself as Jason’s mom and starts realizing this contrived plot.

I wish they would’ve let Kane Hodder play Jason, this one doesn’t look quite right. Sure, Ken Kirzinger is tall as shit, but there’s nothing some platform shoes couldn’t fix. Maybe they got that lanky geek to make the scene, where Jason can’t pull his machete out of a table more believable. Also for me there’s only one Pamela Voorhees and that’s Betsy Palmer.

It’s surprisingly not anywhere near as gimmicky and comedic as I had imagined it, but I guess it helps to make the movie more believable since it is about a guy killing people in their dreams teaming up and then going against a guy who is an almost invincible zombie retard, that kills people with a machete, and they both get out of hell.

Where did Freddy find out about Jason? Is there a message board in hell that says „most awaited serial killers”, or did he notice him in the 80’s-slashers-with-declining-quality-sequels meetings?

Every slasher movie has some bad acting, but since here two slasher franchise come together we get one of the worst I’ve ever seen in the body of Kerry Rowland from Destiny Child. She is so awful I kept hoping she would die already, but no, she fucking stays almost until the very end. And her playing an incredibly unlikable character doesn’t help either. Also at one point she basically calls Freddy a faggot in a Christmas sweater. Not cool.

The CGI is mostly bad and I don’t know why it was necessary. It hit the bottom with some lame CG Freddy maggot creatures.

Most of the movie Jason turns up from time to time, kills someone and slides back into the shadows, so it’s mostly A Nightmare On Elm Street. But on the other hand, the filmmakers seemed to favor Jason a bit more.

This movie has the same thing that really surprised me in Rob Zombie’s Halloween II, I mean, seriously? There’s two guys who think it is a good idea to make fun of a six-foot five guy in a hockey mask. You can afford it if you know, for example, some kung fu, but not if you’re just a drunk and stoned moron.

It goes into a bit of overexplaining itself, having the characters come up with exactly what happened going through some absurd leaps of logic, which would be all fine and dandy if we hadn’t seen it happen in the movie in the hour before.

When Jason starts going against Freddy (or is it the other way around?) we are presented a curious case of Jason being afraid of water. What? Was this inspired by the stupid ending of Jason Takes Manhattan? Does it matter that Jason has gone willingly into water a shitload of times before?  He’s even spent years in a lake. I guess it doesn’t.

The showdown between Freddy and Jason still might be one of the best things ever brought to screen and makes sitting through the rest of the movie worth it.

Overall, mostly painfully bland and mediocre, but not insultingly bad. Recommended, if only to see Jason and Freddy’s epic fight.

"Smile, Robert!"
"Oh, I'll smile, but don't think I forgot about your faggot remarks, you bitch."

Review of Jason X (2001)

Jason X (2001) is a slasher/sci-fi/thriller film and the 10th film in the Friday the 13th franchise.

Directed by James Isaac (The Horror Show (1989), Skinwalkers (2006)).

Written by Todd Farmer (Drive Angry (2011), Messengers 2: The Scarecrow (2009)).

Starring: Kane Hodder, Lisa Ryder, Lexa Doig, David Cronenberg, Barna Moritz, Todd Farmer and others.

So who had this brilliant idea? Where would Jason feel most out-of-place? In space! So there he goes. But let’s backtrack a bit.

We start with him being shackled in some military/science facility. It might sound not too far-fetched, but trust me, it doesn’t make any fucking sense. Have they seen any of the previous films? So there he is all fine, just standing there, with his now fuzzy hair and weird-looking hockey mask. Then he kills a bunch of people and is free, he has pulled a machete out of his ass and all, when he is frozen.

A couple of hundred years later he is found by some people and he wakes up in what looks like a bad SyFy channel movie. I thought just seeing Jason in the age of CGI is weird, but seeing him in the 25th century on a spaceship, is a bit too much.

There’s some nice kills, like smashing of a frozen face or an homage to the classic sleeping bag kill, but most of the time I was at a constant cringe state. Mostly due to the acting, the robot chick was just unbearable.

But despite it’s blatant stupidity and ridiculous concept, it is kind of fun and entertaining movie, if not in the traditional, then in the so-bad-it’s-good sense. I hate to admit I enjoyed something as awful as this, but I sort of did.

If I had to describe this in movie in comparison to another one, I’d say it is a brightly lit Alien with Jason as the monster, unlikable characters and no suspense. So basically it’s nothing like Alien. And if that is the benchmark of space horror, then you can see what’s the problem here. You rarely get a slasher flick in space, but if this is it, then it’s not a great loss.

The gore is decent at times, but it lacks any Friday the 13th feel to it, since the spaceship is like Star Trek sterile. There’s barely any nudity.

You sure can’t blame the filmmakers for not trying anything new, but you can blame them for trying the most idiotic new thing possible.

Apparently Jason isn’t so bullet resistant in the future, since they manage to shoot his extremities off. And a minute later we get a cyborg-Jason. Even in this movie, it seemed pretty damn ridiculous. He looks kind of cool, but at the same time totally fucking idiotic.

While a character is in danger, she says „this sucks on so many levels”, clever right? See how she got her little review of Jason X in the movie? That’s some meta-humor right there. Unless she’s just referring to the fact that she is being sucked into space.

The best part of the movie might be a little sequence of Jason walking into a simulation of 80’s in the woods. You feel some sweet nostalgia and then you get the rest of the stupid movie.

Overall, it is ridiculous and idiotic, looks cheap and has bad acting, but I’d recommend seeing it, just because I think this is something that you just have to see to believe it and you might have some fun as well.

Pictured: Even Jason feels nostalgia.

Review of Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) is a slasher/horror/thriller film and the… ninth film in the Friday the 13th franchise.

Directed by Adam Marcus (Snow Days (1999), Conspiracy (2008)).

Written by Jay Huguely (Silk Stalkings (1991 TV), Magnum, P.I. (1980 TV)) and Dean Lorey (My Boyfriend’s Back (1993), Major Payne (1995)).

Starring: Kane Hodder, Steven Williams, John D. LeMay, Steven Culp, Erin Grey, Rusty Schwimmer and others.

So here we start with no clue of how Jason came back from New York considering the state he was in at the end of the last film. His appearance is also for some reason changed, now he has a huge bulbous head in which the mask is pressed in and has some long strands of hair. The big city must’ve changed him.

A few minutes into the movie Jason is shot a shitload of times and then blown to pieces. Let’s stop here and think of what a person who has watched Jason going on a killing spree seven (six, if you don’t count A New Beginning) times before wants to see. Well, Jason might just be one of those things, but what do they do? You guessed it, they fucking blow up Jason and don’t show him until the last 5 minutes.

Since Kane Hodder barely gets to be in the movie, he gets a little cameo as some kind of police officer/special forces guy and ironically gets killed by Jas…black coroner guy, who is possessed by Jason. That’s right, in this movie Jason is possessing people. I could deal with him being a super-strong retard, could handle him as a zombie, could watch him go against a telekinetic chick, but him possessing people? I’m sorry, but that is stretching it.

When I heard the title I actually thought Jason is going to be „killing” people in hell (don’t know how that works), but no, we get Jason the body snatcher. So most of the movie I kept thinking „fuck, I really wish Jason was in this movie”. But he just keeps getting shot and changing to various people, he is fucking T-1000 from Terminator 2.

Steven Williams is pretty bad-ass in this as this Jason hunter guy. John D. LeMay isn’t bad as the reluctant hero and Steven Culp was quite menacing when he got the Jason bug.

There’s a scene of random camping teenagers, one of which is quite likable, but she dies a couple of minutes later. Also in the same unimportant scene we get to see some tits and a guy shows his ass. So there’s something for the ladies too. While on the subject, the body changing is quite odd and involves some not very vague homoerotic kissing.

Nudity and gore always go hand in hand and here we get one of the coolest effects in the whole series. It’s a guy melting. Sounds great? No? Well, it is.

It is a well-made movie, but why did they think this would appeal to the fans to the series I do not know. I did however enjoy the last half hour of it. It had action, gore, even a bit of Jason, both as his usual self and a weird little puppet which looks like Jason and a chestburster from Alien had a child.

If was watching it back in 1993 and then at the end saw Freddy grabbing Jason’s mask I’d be damn excited and then totally pissed for having to wait 10 fucking years for a crossover, which isn’t even good, but I’ll get to that.

It’s nice of them to try to do something new with the franchise, but A New Beginning should have been a lesson that almost having Jason is not good enough.

Overall, I don’t think it is as bad as one would be led to think, but some really bad choices had been made during the production. That being said, I would actually recommend this one, though mostly to people who are not fans of Jason.

Oh, yeah, because punching Jason has worked so well before.

Review of Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) is a slasher/horror/thriller film and you guessed it, the eight film in the Friday the 13th franchise.

Directed by Rob Hedden (Boxboarders! (2007), The Colony (1995)).

Written by Rob Hedden (Clockstoppers (2002), The Condemned (2007)).

Starring: Kane Hodder, Tiffany Paulsen, Kelly Hu, Peter Mark Richman, Jensen Daggett and others.

So we’re back again with the world’s most powerful retard in a hockey mask, played once again by Kane Hodder, who does bring some personality to Jason, especially in one of my favourite moments of the whole series, where some “punks” are listening to hip-hop and Jason walks past them and just fucking kicks away the radio, followed by him showing his disfigured face to scare the punks away. In a way it’s odd that Jason is self-conscious enough to know his face would scare people.

But this is way into the movie so let’s go back a bit. The idea of taking Jason out of the woods is ok, I mean haven’t we seen him slashing unsuspecting campers enough? But even though you can take Jason out of the woods, you can’t take the woods out of Jason as he still is pissed with random teenagers, just because one teenager years ago back at the lake chopped his mom’s head off. Geez, get over it, Jason. But he has not in fact got over it and he decides to get out of that damned lake again and go on with his usual routine.

4 minutes in we get some tits and ass, usually a good sign, both in an aesthetic way and meaning that somebody’s going to die real soon. So two teenagers are killed, because they decided to take a little boat trip on that same lake. Of course Jason gets a new hockey mask, because the boat owner had one on the boat, because who doesn’t?

So we meet our incredibly forgettable heroine, since the only thing I remember about her is that she got a gift from her teacher. To be fair it was a pretty cool gift – Stephen King’s pen. Useful fact: you can make Jason leave temporarily by stabbing him in the eye with it. And then she gets on a cruise ship with her classmates and teacher who is also her guardian.

After a short while it turns out that Jason is just floating somewhere in the water nearby New Jersey and he gets on the cruise ship – hilarious hijinks ensue.

We meet the only sort of interesting character J.J., played by Saffron Henderson, playing a guitar. No, not actually playing, movie-guitar-playing, which is the equivalent of lip-synching. Although she seems to have at least a slight idea of how to play. And of course she is the first one to die.

There’s a nice kill in the sauna involving a chest and a hot stone. Talking about hot, there is Kelly Hu and you might think that this movie helped to start her career, it might, but certainly not as much as her being, as previously mentioned, hot.

Jason’s habit of killing people one by one is greatly helped by the fact that the teenagers mostly hang out in ones and are the only people on the ship. I can tell from my experience that teenagers like to hang out in small groups at least and get drunk, but here there’s only one chick that’s doing coke. And wouldn’t having the whole ship to just the teenagers cost a shitload of money? I guess it’s cheaper because on this Titanic the crew consists of about four people, including the janitor.

After a while you start wondering if they’ll ever get to Manhattan, which allegedly Jason is taking. Does the trip from New Jersey to New York really take that long – forever in movie time?

When we get to NY it is actually pretty fun. Jason kicks a radio, gets from place to place in about a second and fucking punches a head off a guy’s neck!

This time Jason’s make-up is just awful, nothing like what it looked like in the previous film and it culminates in maybe the dumbest ending possible.

Overall, of course, it’s not good, but it is watchable and even though I said you should skip to this one in my previous review, I’d say skip this one as well, and if you have to choose from the two, then maybe you’re better off choosing Jason vs. Carrie instead.

Pictured: C-3PO as a zombie.

Review of Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) is a slasher/horror/thriller film and the seventh entry in the Friday the 13th franchise.

Directed by John Carl Buechler (Troll (1986), Ragewar (1984)), mostly known for his special effects work.

Written by Daryl Haney (Mockingbird Don’t Sing (2001), Emmanuelle, Queen of the Galaxy (1994)),  and Manuel Fidello mostly known for not writing anything before or since.

Starring: Kane Hodder, Lar Park-Lincoln, Terry Kiser, Kevin Spirtas, Heidi Kozak, William Butler, John Otrin and others.

So the movie starts off with random death scenes from the previous films and a voice-over narration, explaining why Jason Voorhees is hanging around at the bottom of a lake.

Although we did see Jason waking up dressed a bit differently at the end of the last film, apparently he decided it was not time yet, so here we see him “dead” again. No one thought it might be appropriate to drag Jason’s body out and cremate or something, since people keep going to the lake and swimming in it.

I think after a while people would just decide to stop hanging around Camp Crystal Lake, since more than a few people have died there, but no, they never learn, to think about it, they actually deserve to die for this idiotic behavioral pattern. Go, Jason!

This marks the first time Kane Hodder puts on the iconic hockey mask and becomes the fan favourite. Although his Jason isn’t in the best condition, with his spine visible, all roughed up, life at the bottom of a lake is hard, you know.

It has none of the comedic tone of the previous one, instead we get more supernatural elements and daddy issues, since our main character is Carrie, no not in the sense of late first menstruation, but she has some telekinetic abilities. I don’t mind that much, because, to be fair, Jason hasn’t been just the disfigured fellow next door for the last few movies either.

Also none of the previous films has looked so 80’s, except maybe the black “shit’n’sing” guy in the fifth one.

Of course some camping couple decide that they should take a machete to chop some wood, instead of, you know, an axe. What are we, in a rainforest?

Almost sadly, they seem to have tried to make a serious movie, but that is not what people expect when they go to see the 7th film in a slasher series. It would be fine if they had succeeded, but what they succeeded at was making a serious, dull and unentertaining movie with a ridiculous concept. And that’s the thing, it is an interesting idea, just poorly executed.

Elizabeth Kaitan is sort of hot in her little role. There’s little nudity, just some ass Kaitan’s tits and underwater ones. Not that I notice or anything. The lack of nudity and more importantly gore is something we have to thank the good old MPAA for. Those bastards.

It has one of the best kills of the series, where Jason just picks up a girl in a sleeping bag and smashes her against a tree. That was seriously awesome.

Although you can do just about anything to zombie Jason and he is unfazed, apparently when you pour some gasoline on him, he starts covering and stepping back. Maybe due to the fact that he knows that a minute later the wooden house he is in will be slowly burning and then for no reason randomly blow the fuck up. This might not be uncommon, since the characters outside run away from it and then duck right before it explodes.

The ending also goes into some ridiculous nonsense

It’s hard to really feel sorry for not-Carrie, since she is the one who resurrected Jason.

Overall, not bad, but also not very entertaining. I think you can skip this one and go straight to Jason Takes a Cruise Ship. Not recommended.

Pictured: Jason putting on a custom-made condom.

Review of Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (1986)

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (1986) is a horror/slasher/thriller film, the sixth entry in the Friday the 13th franchise.

Directed by Tom McLoughlin (Sometimes They Come Back (1991), One Dark Night (1983)).

Written by Tom McLoughlin (FairyTale: A True Story (1997), Date with an Angel (1987)).

Starring: Thom Mathews, David Kagen, Jennifer Cooke, Renee Jones, Darcy DeMoss, C.J. Graham and others.

So here goes another Friday movie, that I don’t think takes place on Friday or the 13th, but the title doesn’t lie when it tells that Jason lives. He is actually brought back to life by a lightning bolt.

For this we have to thank Tommy Jarvis, who finds Jason’s grave by his a bit smashed up, but otherwise decent gravestone, digs him up and tries to get rid of him by stabbing a pole in his chest. This turns out to be very counter-productive as the lightning strikes it, Jason somehow regains his eyes and flesh and is alive. Have to remind myself that I’m not watching the Frankenstein’s monster. I find it odd that someone would have a problem with this supernatural concept, because Jason really wasn’t a normal mortal human being before.

So yeah, zombie Jason wakes up and does what he does best – walks up to people really fast. Oh, and then he kills them. If there is one thing that Jason does faster than walking is turning, it takes him just a rapid music cue. This time Jason doesn’t even mind hanging around in broad daylight as he picks off some paintballers.

Tommy looks like he’s 30, so it would be safe to assume that the movie is taking place in early 2000’s. Also they decide to ignore the ending of the previous film. This actually could be a straight sequel to the 4th. I’d prefer if it was, but you can’t have a decent Friday the 13th movies without at least two horrendous ones.

This one is a bit more action packed and comedic, which makes it a lot fun to watch. The comedy is also a lot better than for example the redneck mother and son in the previous one. There’s some funny 4th wall breaking metahumor. There’s a police deputy that has the biggest laser-scope ever. Mounted on a handgun. Also the opening spoofs classic James Bond movie openings. A nice thing I noticed is that people are actually a lot more prone to run if there’s the possibility of real danger.

Here we actually have little kids staying at the camp and they all are such bad actors, it’s painful. The other actors are more or less ok. Sadly we don’t get any nudity.

The movie feels pretty fresh, which isn’t that common for a sixth movie in a franchise.

The movie doesn’t try to end the series and just clearly sets up another sequel.

Overall, one of my favourite Friday the 13th films, not a great piece of cinema, but an entertaining slasher flick at the least.

"...and that's why you don't play with a machete."

Review of Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) is a horror/slasher/thriller film and the fifth entry in the Friday the 13th franchise.

Directed by Danny Steinmann (Savage Streets (1984), The Unseen (1980)).

Written by Martin Kitrosser (Rain (2003), Facing the Enemy (2001)) and David Cohen (Hollywood Zap (1986), The Treasure (1990)).

Starring: Shavar Ross, Marco St. John, Richard Young, Juliette Cummins, Carol Locatell, Debi Sue Voorhees and others.

Tommy Jarvis from the previous movie is like a teenager in this, so I guess this movie takes place somewhere in the early 90’s.

Sometimes teenagers in horror movies are acting weird. A redneck woman threatens to shoot them on sight, but they just laugh at that. I’d be pretty sure I don’t want to sneak into her territory. Of course the hillbillies just have to be these totally ridiculous parodies, although I must admit that they did make me laugh a bit.

I suppose you could justify the horrible characters by pointing out they’re all patients of rehabilitation institution or whatever they are in.

Then we get some characters who appear only to be killed and one of them is a guy who decides to take a shit so he walks through a forest to do that for what seems like forever in cinema-time. 

Ironically there’s an actress named Debi  Sue Voorhees in this movie and she both gets a cool death and has what are considered the best breasts in the series.

It’s sort of a spoiler, but not really, Jason isn’t the killer. It’s a guy impersonating Jason, so as you know this the movie becomes kind of a (bad) whodunnit, I guess, I didn’t pay enough attention and didn’t know who it was until they revealed it. Also the Jason impostor is really channelling Jason, because he’s strong as shit. He can easily break down doors and everything.

A goth/punk (?) chick does some robot dancing in her room, nope, the movie hasn’t aged one bit. Also „Jason” doesn’t enjoy it either.

One of the characters does the usual horror cliché „run, stumble, fall, take a long time to get up” routine, with emphasis on the not getting up part, so „Jason” just walks up to her.

Most of the kids don’t really do anything bad during the movie, yet they get killed, but two of them die after taking shits, so maybe there’s some message.

One unintentionally hilarious instance is when at the end we see a newspaper that has a photo of Jason in it. Who the fuck took the photo?

I don’t think it’s as bad as it is considered, they took a risk with the concept, it’s just that it was a stupid risk and they should’ve guessed won’t work out well.

Overall, not very good, I wouldn’t really recommend it to anyone, since even the later Friday the 13th films ignore this one.

Pictured: Debi Sue Voorhees after having a staring contest with Cyclops from X-Men.

Review of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) is a slasher/horror/thriller film, it’s the fourth entry in the Friday the 13th franchise and was at the time meant to be the final one.

Directed by Joseph Zito (Abduction (1975), Red Scorpion (1988)), who is known mostly for various B-movies.

Written by Barney Cohen (Stunts (1977), French Quarter (1978)).

Starring: Kimberly Beck, Peter Barton, Corey Feldman, Lawrence Monoson, Crispin Glover, Judie Aronson and others.

As usual we get a little recap of the previous movies and then we see Jason shipped to the morgue. Why are the morticians in movies always either frigid weirdos or over sexed creeps? Since this is a B-horror movie we get the latter one. Of course Jason doesn’t stay dead for long.

Then we’re introduced to our group of teenagers and I get the best surprise I’ve gotten through all the Friday the 13th films. Crispin Glover is in this. I just love the guy, I could watch him do anything. I could watch him, oh I don’t know, almost kick David Letterman in the face… oh, yeah, I’ve seen that. Or I could watch him doing some of the weirdest, epilepsy inspired dance moves since Ian Curtis from Joy Division, which is what you get in this movie.

Then we see that Jason’s back in town! This is tastefully portrayed by him stabbing a random fat banana-eating hitchhiker chick in the neck. Obviously.

We also get our Hollywood reject Corey Feldman as a little kid, who is mostly ok, except when he sees some people making-out, because then he does some kind of bizarre rape seizure in his bed. He also makes different masks and I don’t really believe a kid could do that, because they look both fucking expensive and industrially made.

In this one there is way more nudity than in any of the previous movies. I don’t mind that, as one would imagine.  At one point they even start watching some 20’s porn for no particular reason. Maybe just to kill the guy who didn’t have sex to make a statement about how bad is porn and/or masturbating. But by this logic they also condemn fat hitchhikers eating a banana in an oddly erotic manner. To think about it, it sort of makes sense.

And the killings are fucking brutal in this one. So gratuitous nudity and real massacre does a good slasher movie make. Tom Savini returned to do the effects and they look great.

Also there’s more people than just some teenagers, there’s the kid, his mom, a Jason-hunter.

As with the previous one, the events doesn’t even take place on a friday or the 13th. Thankfully this film doesn’t seem like you’re watching the same movie again.

Intended as the end of the series, but ended up way too successful, so we got a shitload more. I’m not complaining.

Overall, this might be my second favourite Friday the 13th, maybe after the original. It’s fun, gory, has nudity and Crispin Glover, it’s what you want an 80’s slasher to be. Recommended to mostly horror fans and could be a good introduction to the series.

Pictured: Jason loving little boys just like a catholic priest, you know... in the ass.

Review of Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

Friday the 13th Part III (1982) is a horror/slasher/thriller film and the third entry in the Friday the 13th franchise.

Directed by Steve Miner (Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), House (1986)), that’s right, he also directed the previous one.

Written by Carol Watson (Meatballs Part II (1984), South Park (1997 TV)) and Marti Kitrosser (Meatballs Part II (1984), Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991)), who later on wrote the fifth entry in the series.

Starring: Dana Kimmell, Paul Kratka, Tracie Savage, Jeffrey Rogers, David Katims, Larry Zerner and others.

We start of with an idiotic title song, that doesn’t fit the movie at all.

And then we get the usual flashes of the previous movie and then we also get a little intro, so that’s 15 minutes before seeing any of the main characters.

They were really going for the 3D effects. I love this sort of gimmicky 3D, but if the shots don’t make sense when you strip them of the 3D, then you’re really forcing it. I mean, it really is ridiculous, when there’s a yo-yo going towards the camera or the camera is looking straight into some popcorn popping or an interesting instance when a weed joint is passed from hand to hand right past the camera so it sort of would seem like it is given to someone in the audience, but to me it just looked like a badly done and pointless shot of passing a joint. Of course there’s some good ones too, like when Jason takes one guy’s head and presses it so hard his skull crushes and an eye pops out towards us. That was awesome.

It’s painfully cheesy at times. A lot of those times thanks to that annoying nerdy kid, who wears masks because he’s… well, ugly and does some practical jokes with fake blood. So it seems to me that it’s what the filmmakers think horror fans are like.

Then there’s a few too many jumpscares that turn out to not to be Jason. It’s like „Yes, here I am just standing around naked and I hear some rustling leaves, so I quickly turn around [blasting music cue TA-DAH!], oh, it was just a midget lying in a huge bowl of corn flakes. Ok, back to being naked.”

Jason Voorhees this time finds a hockey mask and an icon is born. And I really liked Richard Brooker’s Jason, he’s tall, lean and fast. I like Kane Hodder and all, but I didn’t mind this Jason either. And he really seems to enjoy himself.

Of course the acting is mostly bad, but at least the lead actress is really hot.

Again the ending is some contrived and absolutely stupid crap. It only accented my feeling that I’m watching just a rehash of the first two movies. I understand that there’s a sort of a formula, but it doesn’t do anything new, except having harpoons fly outside of the screen, of course, if you’re watching it in a theatre in 1982 and not on TV 30 years later.

Overall, I didn’t find it very good, the kills are nice and it’s more or less entertaining, but I don’t think I’d recommend this to anyone, except to the kind of people who probably have seen it anyway.

"Ah yes, you've got the old 'crush skull - out comes the eye' syndrome."