Review of 2012: Ice Age (2011)

8 Aug

2012: Ice Age (2011) is a straight-to-video action/sci-fi/disaster film from The Asylum, the movie studio that brought us such great hits as Two-Headed Shark Attack.

Directed by Travis Fort.

Written by Paul Sinor (Dead Men Can’t Dance (1997), Testing the Limits (1998)) and Victoria Dadi (Airline Disaster (2010)).

Starring: Nick Afanasiev, Patrick Labyorteaux, Julie McCullough, Katie Wilson, Kyle Morris, Chacko Vadaketh, Ted Monte and others.

I swear, after this I’m going to take a break from Asylum movie reviews for a while, I just want to get this out of the way and then we’re on to shitty movies from other studios.

This is another one in The Asylum’s „2012 Trilogy” of unrelated movies. Well, no, they’re not completely unrelated, the common factor is ripping-off other disaster movies, this time we have mostly a Day After Tomorrow, minus the budget and everything else that made it goo-, I mean, watchable.

I actually had a chance to learn something from this movie, the CGI department specifically. Some of the effects look decent, like some snow clouds or whatever they were and then others, like the lava explosions, look like shit had a retarded shit-baby, which decided to work on the effects. At least they know it looks bad, since they sort of try to hide it using the advanced technique „shaky-cam”. But, you know, it’s kind of unfair, Asylum’s effects are special, just like some kids, you can’t evaluate them on the same scale.

We follow this family in a car. You know a geeky son, a bitchy daughter, a concerned mother and a busy father. The son is some kind of genius, who helps his geologist father with his work and when his mother sees some planes and asks „Are those military planes?”, the son replies „F-16s” (which they’re not), like it’s common knowledge.  But at other times he is a complete moron. The father talks on the phone to the daughter, who goes to another city at the start of the movie, the connection breaks and the brother says „I wanted to talk to her.”, yeah, well another time, you idiot savant.

The father, played by Patrick Labyorteaux at one point turns into MacGyver. He finds everything he needs in one car trunk, gets some gas and makes a fucking bomb, to blow up cars and clear the road. Woah, what do they teach at the geologist school? Also, while in Supernova Brian Krause had an expression of concern on his face throughout that movie, this time we get our chubby Labyorteaux looks constantly confused.

The problem in this movie is that it becomes very cold outside. People freeze in motion on the streets. Looks like you can expect that at any moment you’ll see Arnold Schwarzenegger painted blue, scream „Chill out!”. But it’s not that cold, since the main characters run around with no coats or gloves on and they don’t look like they’re cold, they look like they’re just caught in a light draft somewhere and think it’s getting chilly. The extras also panic by either just standing around or frolicking while holding suitcases over their heads.

At one point they arrive at someone’s home to find the owner stuck under a metal rack no heavier than a shopping cart. He thanks them by giving them a plane. A fucking plane. And the fat Macgyver knows how to fly a plane. Shit, I wanna be a geologist now. They’re flying on the plane and sum up Asylum’s special effects in two lines of dialogue – „These clouds don’t look normal” – „Nothing looks normal.”.

The dialogue serves this fireproof structure: Mother asks a stupid question, father unsurely answers and the son spits out some idiotic cliché young people thing like „This visibility sucks balls!” Every single line he said made me cringe and hate that little shit.

Overall, it’s not entertaining, but it works as a parody of disaster-flicks, that takes itself completely seriously. It was really bad, though. Not recommended.

“Oh, honey, don’t worry, I’m going to find you, I’ll hug you and I’ll kiss you and I’ll hold you.”
“Uh, dad? I think I got one of them… earections in my pants.”
“Ok, I’ll call you later, our son’s being a creep.”

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