Review of Cold Storage (2009)

27 Jan

Cold Storage (2009) is a low-budget thriller/horror film.

Directed by Tony Elwood (Road-Kill U.S.A. (1993), Killer! (1989)).

Written by Mark Kimray (Killer! (1989), Road-Kill U.S.A. (1993)) and Tony Elwood.

Starring: Nick Searcy, Matt Keeslar, Joelle Carter, Casey Leet, Brett Gentile and others.

The movie starts out with some nice gore, so you know you’re in for a treat in this department.

At first you think it’s going to be some Texas Chainsaw Massacre backwoods inbred psycho horror, but it turns out to be a bit more original and inventive.

We have what we might suppose is our lead, Casey Leet plays an actress who is driving to some kind of theatrical production. So you’d think well she’s going to meet the hillbillies, but no, she dies in a car accident and then meets a hillbilly, who is quite fond of her and takes the dead actress to play the role of his girlfriend. That’s right, meet our protagonist Clive.

Nick Searcy really does a good job of playing this uncivilized and probably retarded middle-aged outsider, who is sort of childishly innocent in a way. And it takes some acting skills to make that disgusting and despicable character in any way appealing. But he definitely succeeds. Which both explains his quite impressive career and makes me wonder what’s he doing in this kind of movie.

So the sister of Clive’s new girlfriend goes on a quest to find her and her sister’s boyfriend tags along. Again you’d think the focus would completely shift to these two twats, one of them being the soap opera type good-looking guy that is Matt Keeslar.

But no, we get to see Clive being awkward and taking care of his little bride, as she’s developing a slightly bluer skin tone.

And his courtship of her is the highlight of the movie, because we get to see him take a bath and then have a look at the water, which looks, like if I took a big handful of mud and threw it in the vegetable soup I had a couple of days back. After we see it going down the drain we are given a chance to see one of the most painful scenes to watch I’ve ever seen in a movie. It’s not  a spoiler, because it has nothing to do with the plot. So I’ll describe it to you.

And here’s the thing. I heard about the scene before seeing the film and it made me almost feel real pain. So hear this. Clive looks in a mirror, has a glance at his brown and infected teeth and isn’t really satisfied. Then he opens the “medicine cabinet” and takes out… a fucking barber’s straight razor! Of course, he proceeds to scratch his teeth with it, cutting out some blackened pieces of gums and shit, bleeding in the sink. If this doesn’t make you cringe, clench your mouth shut and run your tongue across your teeth, you’re lucky, because I told this to a couple of my friends and they hated me. So watch the movie, maybe that will leave bit bigger impact than my description.

So yeah, Clive does some disturbing shit, but you can’t really blame him much for it, because he’s grown up alone in the middle of the woods and doesn’t know any better. He’s a relatively nice guy and if you don’t identify with him, you still kind of feel sorry for him.

The third act went a bit down hill, because the film seemed to become unsure of what it wants to be a standard horror or something more than that. And also it started losing the sense of the pitch-black humor it had before.

Overall, an interesting small movie with an original idea, it has its shortcomings, of course, but I’d recommend it, even for non-horror fans, because it barely qualifies as a horror film.

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