Review of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)

25 Nov

Could have gone a bit easier on the airbrushing.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011) is a romance/fantasy/drama film and is the latest entry in the Twilight franchise, based on the novels by Stephenie Meyer.

Directed by Bill Condon (Dreamgirls (2006), Kinsey (2004)), who has won an Oscar for best writing for Gods and Monsters (1998).

Written by Melissa Rosenberg (Step Up (2006), Dexter (2006 TV)), who has also written all the previous Twilight movies.

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and others.

Since I am not a 15-year-old girl or a 40-year-old house-wife, I’m neither the target audience or a fan of the series. But as each movie got more blatantly stupid, they also got more entertaining, so I naively thought I actually might have fun watching this, in a “so bad it’s good” way. Sadly, it just got the “so bad” part right. Although at times it was really hilarious, for example, when Bella says she wants to name her daughter Renesemee. Really? You’re gonna go with that?

I don’t ever remember myself being more bored in a movie theatre. The movie achieved almost amazingly slow pace, kept me yawning constantly and to entertain myself, I often danced in my seat. To an orchestral score. At times I felt really depressed and wondered how they didn’t realize, they’ve made this concentrated mixture of over-the-top melodramatism and absolute boredom.

The acting is not good. There’s nobody that feels like a real person. Booboo (what kind of name is that?) Stewart is so incredibly bad. His character is written like he’s 10 and he delivers the lines likewise. Robert Pattinson is as always, looking like he’s in some slightly uncomfortable pain, but trying to hide it. Taylor Lautner is as usually stumbling around as a caveman, varying between his two emotions – “I’m strong and angry (like Hulk)” and… well, no, he has no other emotions. Kristen Stewart most of the movie does a “It’s ok, I’m fine, guys” routine and from time to time cries, letting the special effects department do most of her acting with CG body shrinking and some make-up shadows on her blank face.

The character Jacob is just fascinating to me. The first scene of the movie is one where it takes barely 5 seconds for him to remove his shirt and reveal his physique. I still don’t understand, why he’s the most muscular of all the “werewolves”? And why does he only take off his shirt and let the short pants get shredded to pieces? Does he pick up the shirts afterwards and go around, while Donald Ducking? And what do the fans see in this character? He’s rude, constantly angry, lives in a wooden cabin with a bunch of mexicans, who act like college frat-boys, skilled only as an auto mechanic, thinks that he is better than this other guy, Edward, who is protective, nice, doesn’t look like he’s on steroids, lives in a nice house, is smart and well-mannered, but is a vampire, which obviously is so much worse than turning into a huge wolf. And he wonders why Bella didn’t choose him, get over it!

There is basically no action in the movie. 80 minutes in,  I was so desperate, that a scene where Jacob kicks a motorbike across a driveway seemed cool now and, of course, the naive me thought that now the action will start, but what I got next was a cartoon, where a bunch of incredibly awful looking CG wolves got together and talked. I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes. On the other hand, the scene was so unintentionally hilarious, I loved every second of it. After that it goes back to the sluggish drama. Then there is another action scene at the end, but since all the wolves look the same and the vampires are so fast, that all you see is a blur, it becomes an unsatisfying mess.

This anti-feminist movie also keeps pushing the same old shit into my face, as if I’m supposed to care, that this indecisive little bitch, Bella is not having as much fun as she had expected from her rich and handsome boyfriend, who is concerned that he might be fucking Bella too hard. Even though, Bella likes it a bit rough. As we all know, every girl’s dream is to wake up in a bed that is demolished from the amazing sex she’s had. Women like to preach that they never watch porn, but it seems like this isn’t that far from that, just less graphic and more like food for imagination. And then, when it has to abandon the whole “no sex before marriage” thing, it goes into an idiotic pro-life message.

After the credits you see that vampire council again and I really want to know if in the books they’re written just as gay as they seem in the movie? The biggest reason, why I despise this franchise is because they just keep destroying the vampire mythos and all these young people who have never seen any cool vampires will think of them as these lame, sparkling weirdos. That cannot be forgiven.

I could keep pointing out other details, but I’ve been rambling on for too long here, so I guess I’ll leave that for next year.

I don’t recommend it to anyone, although if you watch this at home you can riff on it pretty easily and have fun. Definitely the worst of the series. I died a little inside, while watching it. Seriously, one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

Bella just kept wishing they would play more chess on their honeymoon.

5 Responses to “Review of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)”

  1. Kimberlie Pennypacker December 2, 2011 at 3:53 am #

    Just got back from watching the new movie! It is incredible. My brother just downloaded it. I wanna go watch it a few more times.

    • karlails December 2, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

      It is incredible. Not in a good way, but still…

  2. Renāte Ceipiniece December 2, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    I was trying to read your review, but when i got to the part when you called Jacob and others Mexicans, i couldn’t remain silent anymore. 😀

    first of all, there’s a HUGE difference between INDIANS and MEXICANS, as you probably know from history.

    Neither am I 15 or 40-year-old, but I believe that is obviously a matter of taste. There are not an average viewer for this movie, there’s only “love-it or hate-it” ones.

    I have some disappointments in this movie too, but from the books this was my favourite so i still count myself with “love-it” ones.
    And for me, only book makes really sense to all what happens in movie, so maybe it’s an answer to all your questions. 😀
    Probably I would never go see movie, if I hadn’t read all books BEFORE it was cool. 😀

    • karlails December 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

      Ok, the part about mexicans was a joke, I know they all are at least part-native american.
      There really is a target demographic and the others are exception to the rule. And if you read the books before they were “cool” (which is such a hipster thing to say), then you were about that age at the time, correct? In this case, I understand liking the books, but I can’t believe how any fan could like this abomination of a movie.
      If you’ve read the book, you could’ve tried to answer my questions.
      I actually tried to read the first one recently, but I felt like Stephenie Meyer kept masturbating with money rolls, while I read that trash about how amazing Edward looks every time Bella meets him.
      Sorry about my negative views on this franchise, but there’s no redeeming qualities to it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Review of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012) | karlails - November 20, 2012

    […] by Bill Condon (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Dreamgirls […]

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